'It’s just me, having a dramatic, bipolar episode;'

05/27/2021

I took one klonopin and walked myself to the very edge of my muse’s time. I held her hand to help guide her; so we could both see the horizon of a loveless love.

Once arrived, I then took a long, deep look at forever into her eyes, and my heart felt a deep emptiness as it thought “there is nothing left in this life for me”. There I could see no future, and it was not for anything I had or had not done.

The sands of time had simply run out, as they do before karma’s hourglass flip.

A few salted grains remained, just enough to say what is I always hoped to say:

It’s just me, having a dramatic, bipolar episode; few will truly understand this, but today was a particularly difficult day:

I wore an orange swimsuit with last summer’s thrifted jean shorts, and two hometown girls took me with them into the hidden emeralds of the Oregon Coast. We laid our towels down on the rocky bank of the rogue river, me, with my neatly bottled up fury, they with their girlish tales of school and play, and throughout the day’s entirety, my spirit felt very still. The sun kissed my body and the faeries watched.

Hours passed and our tummies growled and we moved to the restaurant where my sister served us lunch, and once our time was through, they took me home.

And this is when the madness of my episode began, when I was alone on my mother’s heart haunted property with the wind beginning to thrash and loneliness creeping in, sunset leaving us blue and hard to see in the ocean’s cold hiss.

And I cried because I foolishly thought she might be the love of my life in this cycle of karmic time, and she is gone, now, which can only mean one thing: I am alone.

And I miss you like diamonds in my chest.

I miss you like 9:34 pm on the beach; a windy night; sand throwing itself into my body; recycling salted flesh into something new, and I brought two bottles of a deadly knock out combination with me because I just wanted to come take a look at forever. I just wanted to see the thought of dying near the ocean because there is nothing left for me in this life.

And she will not come to find me, but she will wonder where I’ve gone.